What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 12:41
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I have no regrets .
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im still living with it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why is Eric Clapton so roundly disliked among guitarists?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I will be 64.
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is soul school!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .